Wednesday, June 16, 2010

My own Query Spoof

Dear Secret Agent Man,

Okay, this is a YA novel I wrote about fifteen years ago. It could be considered adult because one of my MCs is violated (I don't know if an ice sculpture counts as a person, but it is one of my MCs). Anyway, it's a thoroughly completed first draft at 150,000 words.

Here goes my synopsis:

Bella Duck is no ordinary girl. Oops, did I say girl? I meant to say wolf. She woke up one night to super hairy underarms, but that wasn't the only thing she had to worry about. It all happened when a mysterious sparkly ice sculpture moved into her neighborhood. I meant to say forest.

Anyway, her pack hated the sculpture so much that they would hunt it down 'cause it was so cold it brought on a mysterious fog, you know like dry ice does? Well, one by one, Bella's pack mates started to disappear. Feeling brave and scared at the same time, she decides to seek out Mummy Fortuna's seekings only to discover where they all went.

After the old gypsy warned her against hunting down the illusive ice block, Bella thought she knew better.

After traveling by the speed of light, because magical wolves can fly when they are determined to rescue their pack, she stumbles upon a meadow where the tall, oblong structure sparkles and dances in the sunlight. Feeling scared, she crept up to the thing and, to her horror, found her pack!

There, behind the spire of ice, were her beloved wolves. Guess what had happened to them? Because the ice structure was so cold, it had absorbed all of the water in the surrounding lands and they were so thirsty that their tongues were all stuck fast on.

After Bella Duck resisted the mouthwatering temptation to lick the sparkling, statuesque thing, she did the most beautiful, graceful, fantastical rain dance.

Echoing thunder sundered through the meadow--the wolves yelped and whined with every growl the clouds did. A hard pelting rain storm filled the dry riverbeds and soaked Bella's fur until, finally, the very sparkly ice statue melted and the wolves were set free.

This book was written and self-published way before Stephenie Meyer wrote her book. In fact, I showed her my rough draft and she told me since she had connections, she'd get hers done before I could and I would be out of luck.

I have trophies in my curio cabinet from my creative writing classes from high school and writer's clubs and feel that because my alpha readers, critique groups, and ex-boyfriends loved my story so much that this will totally rock your socks off--even the Hollywood producers won't be able to say no to this one.

Please make sure that you put "I am interested in representing you" along with your name in the subject field of your e-mail because I'm submitting this to every agent in your house as well as junior agents and other more agents in other houses.

I know that my story will make your day.


Tiffany Otisfrankmeyer (I was here first)
1-800-Iamthebestpick, extension 0

Tiffany Otisfrankmeyer
1234 Whozer next NYT bestSeller Dr. #1
Winning, MO

I hope this made you laugh!! Would you guys like for me to host a Query Spoof Blogfest???? Let me know!!


For more query spoof fun from the master (Creepy Query Girl) herself, click here!


  1. THat was funny. I loved the line about "interested in repesenting you" goin in the reply.

    Curio cabinet and a Stephanie Meyer's jab...great stuff.

  2. "Because the ice structure was so cold, it had absorbed all of the water in the surrounding lands and they were so thirsty that their tongues were all stuck fast on" Bahahahaha ...

  3. Haha. That was awesome.

    Loved this bit: "After Bella Duck resisted the mouthwatering temptation to lick the sparkling, statuesque thing, she did the most beautiful, graceful, fantastical rain dance."

  4. Hey Elizabeth...loved the query spoof. Its tongue in cheek and absolutely creative. Trust me, agents will be knocking on your door to represent this AWESOME book. ;)

  5. LOL! I dare you to send it somewhere :)

  6. LOL!!!! Oh wow!! This is seriously funny! I love the "I have writing trophies" bit! LOL!

    Brilliant, brilliant!

    Thank you
    take care

  7. Hilarious! (But I think I want to read that book) LOL!

  8. That was cute, especially the "glittery" part, because, you know, all ice sculptures glitter in the sunlight in the middle of the forest while being orally violated by frustrated wolf packs! Are you sure this isn't erotica? ;)

    I don't have any writing trophies, but I do have a small stuffed cow from Chik-fil-A -- it will have to do!

  9. I think that would be awesome fun but I think it would be kewler to put up serious queries so everyone could get feedback. :)

  10. Raquel, thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it--it was great fun writing it, too!

    Jessica, lol, thank you!! :)

    Lindsay, thank you! :)

    Rachna, you think so? ;) Thank you!

    Tabitha! Uh...maybe I should do it on April fools day next year but without a fake email address. *Shiver* I wonder what they'd say?

    Jennifer (Kitty), I'm so glad that I made you laugh! :D

    Jennifer, do you really??? It would be a funny read, wouldn't it? ;)

    LOL, Scott, I didn't think of it that way... I don't have writing trophies, either, just certificates... Hey, the stuffed cow works! ;)

    Andrew, true, but sometimes I think we need to have a laugh every now and then to shake up the rules rules rules and more rules that writers are subjected with. ;) I like your idea, though.

  11. No where near enough spelling errors. :-) It was great, Elizabeth! Made me laugh! :-)

  12. Spoof! I don't think so. That book would be awesome I can tell by the awesome query.

  13. LOL!!! That's priceless! I'd probably be game for a spoof query... :)

    Oh! There's an award for you on my blog! :)

  14. Andrea, Darn it! I forgot all about spelling errors... :(

    Southpaw, LOL, are you being sarcastic? ;)

    Suzie, really? How fun! Thank you for the award, you are the sweetest! :D

  15. You have an award on our blog!

    <3 Kelsey Leigh

  16. Hee hee, that was really fun! You hit on so many "no no's"! Thanks for the laugh.

  17. *snickersnort* Oh, this was VERY fun! Thanks for the laughs! And I have an award for you at my blog!

  18. Hilarious! I loved the Twilight jabs!

    Definitely, definitely, definitely have a query spoof blogfest!

  19. I loved it!! You are so creative. Too funny.

  20. This was great Elizabeth. It was funny. great job

  21. This definitely made my snicker.

    Stop on by my blog, as I have a blogging award for you!

  22. OK, I meant to say "me snicker," but somehow that typo might be more appropriate ;-b.

  23. Kris & Kel, thank you so much for the award--you guys are so sweeeet!;)

    Krista, I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Muahahahah! >D

    Water Tart, thank you! You are so awesome! I'm glad that you liked it! :D

    Sangu, thank you! It'll be fun, won't it? I'll think about a date since I'm hosting a blogfest for tomorrow! Wow, already??? Yikes!

    Nikki, Hi! Thank you! :D

    Melissa, thank you! I'm so happy that you enjoyed it!

    Bryan, LOL! You know what's so funny? I didn't notice your typo until you pointed it out! My brain is not picking up on edits right now (Could it be that I'm burned out already???) :( Thanks for the award! I'm heading over there right now!

  24. Bwahahaha! I'm sorry it took me forever and a day to get here! I LOVED IT! 'Mummy Fortunas' and the toungues stuck to the ice sculpture cracked me up. Bravo!

  25. Katie, I'm so glad you liked it that it made you laugh! Thank you soooo much for the inspiration, girl!! ((Hugs)) ;)


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